If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
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just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
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He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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