My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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