My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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