lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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