Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
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