I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
