i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
