Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
