Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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