Cold hands, warm shart.
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
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bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
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So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
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