i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
