Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
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