One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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