Already got asked if we're dating
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
