and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
