my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
