Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
this beer tastes like vomit already
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
