if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
Randomize
