What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
Randomize
