Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
