so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Randomize
