Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
