There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
