I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
