Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
