so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
