Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
