when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
