We named our party play list daddy issues
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
