Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
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