Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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