Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
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2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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