I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
