Culvers...So Good
So good. The butter burgers slip right outta my ass.
I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
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