There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
