i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
