So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Randomize
