I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
