I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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