I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
