shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
