I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
