non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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