Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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