If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
