Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Randomize
