you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
