thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
