if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
