sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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