I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
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