We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
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he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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