Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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