I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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