my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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